I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would.

I was betrayed by a friend. Yeah, I know I'm more sensitive to a lot of things than most people are, and I am really the one responsible, since it wasn't the first time.

I tend to get really hurt by people who I hold to expectations that they are completely unaware of


Half of the time I don't even tell them that my feelings are hurt, because, I guess that's the trade off. I'm just oversensitive or over-excitable. I should expect to get hurt. Why should they cater to my personality faults??


I also find it incredibly ironic since I had constant difficulties maintaining the friendship due to both personal history and my trust issues. Since both were thrown out the window in the same conversation I guess I should just accept the fact that my instincts are always right. I just wish I hadn't reserved so much time rebuilding something that was ultimately doomed. But that is life I guess, I guess...

I think I may be setting myself up for failure. nothing new at all.

I can't get myself to write anything substantial in this fucker.



I've feel a lot of things but have such odd ways of expressing everything...

OE


anyhow, I've felt extremely regular lately.

I'm determined to find a way to erase you from me.

this is it....

I've lost the will to fight.

beautiful things

every time I hear a new gorgeous, beautiful, amazing song, I wonder how I survived the days of my life prior to the knowledge of this music.

I wish I knew what was so wrong with me....

in love all over again, I hate it.

You cannot choose those who choose to love you.

What was I thinking when I let you back in?

*fart*

is there someone to talk to?

is there ever anyone listening?



I don't know why I expected anything else.





I've felt nauseous for hours now.

I've thought about it

not in love. just need to be.


I need something to prove that it's worth it, that people are worth a damn, that anything matters at all.

I've always had the belief it works out and I really have begun to doubt it.

If it's all just random and people are all terrible and shallow and selfish then I'm gonna' be pissed...because I'm that far behind....I could have been that guy the whole time...right?


And if it doesn't matter, then maybe I shouldn't bother trying to please anyone but myself.


I really don't think that's me.

what?

what exactly happened last night?

well, something went wrong here....

and that's really the only way I can say it.




I was happy, dammit.

just a question....

what was I thinking??


what AM I thinking?!?!?!




---


P.S. you again?!?

whine, whine, whine.....

please sir, shut the fuck up.



what the fuck was with that dream?


This is going to fuck with my head for a wHile!

I have a bad habit.....

I trick myself into thinking I am sane...and then a day like today comes along and washes away this barrier/facade/image that give me hope that I'll make it alone.


I keep telling myself that I am worth it, but I have NEVER believed it. What a hypocrite....

af

I've been thinking a lot about love versus sex and sex and love and how neither works with the other. We are creatures of habit doomed to repeat the same mistakes as generations before us. I still can't decide if true love exists or if we are just meant to spread our seed. Are both a myth?

Really though, is there any difference?

I don't see why this is any different than a Livejournal or anything like that, other than everyone seems to have a theme to their blog. Themes don't go well for me because I stray from from any attempt for structured thought, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

I think it's for people to have a reason to write, but I'm more for writing because something is in your head and you need to get it out. If I need a reason I go out a make one. Anyhow I don't actually ever have anything to say...and other people do.

I guess other people are just more interesting. Or just attempting to be. I won't try to be something I'm not and I won't pretend to care either way.

Speaking of:
Last night I saw the new Wilco DVD Ashes Of American Flags. It's been too long since I've seen them in concert. They are the best thing I could imagine. Seriously, anyone who doubts me needs to see them live. I'm pretty sure we turned Paul last night.


I need more music and less of this shitty job.

repeater offender

Well, I tell myself all the time that I'm changing but I never feel any different. In many ways I am immensely different than I used to be...I'm just exactly the same. It's like a sit-com where they keep the same formula. Yeah, there's more episodes and more has happened to the characters, life lessons and et cetera, but in the end it's always the same mistake. Which makes it funny.

I don't want to be a joke. Not that I demand to be taken seriously, but I'd really rather not always be a punchline. Some people won't see me any other way though.


Anyhow, I have made the same mistake again. Wonderful.